i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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