You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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