u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
