Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
