I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
