My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
