Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
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