I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
