I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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