haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
