Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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