he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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