I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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