i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
