I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
