Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
