seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
