I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
