Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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