I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I didn't notice because vodka
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
