Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
