the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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