I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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