This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
