It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
