I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
