I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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