Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
