I wish I could punch you in the face.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
