I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
