all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
