In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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