Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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