Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
where are my pants?
in the oven.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
