who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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