38 yer olds are good kisserssss
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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