..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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