dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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