I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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