First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
