I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
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