I wish I could teleport
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
