Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
