Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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