drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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