What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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