k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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