I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
