so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
