mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
